I’ve always felt like such a dark horse. I’m not someone to lift moods or to rally people and I’m not someone that people trust to lead. I used to be such a little fucking shiny star, but I feel like I can never shine like I used to. Nobody gives me the chance now a days… or maybe I just can’t do it.

I’m not exciting. I want someone to be crazy for me. I want to have my chance to shine. I want my chance to show you how goddamn great I can be.

I have so much to prove.

I just feel such a tremendous sense of loss. I lost my bracelet I’ve had for years and years and years the other day and nothing has been right since. When I realized it was gone I nearly puked..

I never lose things, or at least I like to think I don’t. I don’t lose papers, I don’t lose homework, I don’t lose keys or cards or bags.. I can’t deal with loss, I can’t deal with the potential for loss..I can’t deal. I remember the first and only distinct time I lost something. I was around seven and was at Fred Meyer and lost my pretty lavender scarf my mom just got me. It had purple flowers embroidered on it and it even had pockets to keep my hands warm. I cried and my mom took me back to the store to see if it was found but it wasn’t.

When I realized my bracelet was gone I ran and ran around the path I took that day to no avail. I frantically scoured the grass near my class and dug through the remains of my lunch in the trash can. I looked like a lunatic and found nothing and was late for class. It was a big stone in my gut. If someone had found it, they surely would have taken it, without knowing how precious it really was to me. I feel sick.

Just as I lost my bracelet, I worry that I’m going to lose him soon, too. Given to me just over a year and a half ago by some marvelous turn of fate, school may separate us for good. Time’s really ticking down now, and the time we’ve been together is almost equal to the time we have left before the big decision. Why must things like this go? Why can’t things be easy and stay the same like this? What choices will I really have, and what choices will he and myself let me make? Is there hope..

I wish I could say everything I feel without fear that saying it makes me seem less important. I wish I could have your attention without begging for it. I wish I didn’t seem so young in your eyes, and yet so old in everyone else’s. I wish my feelings felt the strongest at appropriate times, and not when you’re busy and distracted and don’t care as much about me.

Nobody ever sees me this way. Nobody but you, really. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Is this who I really am or is this something else? I don’t like being old and hard and cold. I feel so cold with others…

Is it attention I want? Or sympathy? How do I get all of you? I want everything of you. I give you everything of me.

Time wasted goofing off is time that I could be spending with you.

Shun all your doubts. Demons of night and restlessness.
Life so mysterious, yet so cyclic and insane.
Is it really different, or am I just stuck going, neverending compounding
Block by block, until I build something glorious,
If not just pieces of failure.

Maybe that’s the key- maybe there is no end.
After forever, I hope we converge to the same number.